Being a Leader Worth Following

How do you teach someone empathy? 

This morning, this question popped into my mind as I meditated. Immediately, the answer seemed to surface from deep within me, like I’ve always known it, but I just needed to ask. Whether it’s true for everyone, I’m not sure, but here’s what I believe: 

First, let’s define empathy. 

To me, empathy is care. Through deep care for others, you are able to sense their thoughts and emotions so you can best understand what they’re going through. Without empathy, it’s extremely difficult to motivate others, give them praise, or maybe most importantly, hold them accountable without them resenting you. 

At this point in my career, I’ve spent hundreds of hours coaching construction professionals, and this last one seems to trip people the most. “I don’t know how to hold a standard of excellence without being an asshole. And I don’t know how to hold people accountable without them hating me!” 

My answer is usually something like, “I can teach you some ways to have accountable conversations. But think of them as ‘tactics’. And the tactics work well—they definitely help you have those hard conversations. But one thing I know for sure is that when deep care exists between you and your people, the tactics matter very little.” 

In other words, when empathy and care exist, you don’t have to approach your people with hard feedback perfectly. You don’t need to know all the tactics.

Because with deep care, even if you don’t say things the right way, your people will understand it’s coming from the right place. I’ve found—and so have our clients—that, when care exists, it’s exponentially easier to create a culture of accountability, positive reinforcement, and excellence. 

Ok, so with that out of the way, how do you teach empathy? 

For whatever reason, the answer that struck me today is that you can’t teach someone empathy. In fact, it’s just like the example above: you can teach someone tactics to show empathy, but this isn’t the same as cultivating a deep empathy towards others. 

Therefore, I believe real empathy is something you have to discover for yourself from deep within. You have to look inside of you and find the part of you that cares deeply for others—and in different ways, because different people require different care! 

A lot to take in right? But don’t worry, I think it’s possible to discover the empathy inside of you. Here is one practice that’s worked for me: 

First, sit somewhere quiet. 

Second, take a deep breath through your nose. As you do, focus on the cold air coming into your nostrils, and then the warm air exiting as you exhale. Repeat as many times as you need. 

Third, ask yourself, “Why do I care about [insert person’s name]?” Let that thought touch you deep in your heart and soul. This is a hard thing to do, but listen to what your heart has to say. Trust your intuition to surface the answer for you. 

Fourth and finally, open your eyes and write down what you learned. Hopefully this whole process takes you less than 5 minutes. 

Like I said, I don’t think you can teach someone empathy. You have to discover it for yourself. This practice is simply one means I have learned to discovering it that seems to work for people. 

For some of you, this will work easily. For others, it probably won’t change much. 

If it came easy, then great! Empathy may be one of your strengths already. If it didn’t, don’t be discouraged. Continue to try this practice each day. Change the person, change the timing, whatever you need. But keep looking inwardly for why you care about others. Keep trusting your hear to surface the answer for you. Care and empathy naturally exist within you. I promise that it’s there. You just need to find it. 

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I recognize this may seem like touchy-feely mumbo jumbo to some of you and I think that’s okay. 

I also feel confident that cultivating empathy is one of the most life-changing practices you can undergo. It will make you a better leader, boss, and manager.

Which will in turn help you build happier and healthier people. And do you know what happy and healthy people do? They do excellent work as humans and employees. They take care of teammates and clients with a grace you’ve rarely seen. And all of that leads to profitable businesses where people love to go to work. 

Sounds good right? Then I hope you’ll give this practice a try. It’s worth it. 

Spark Notes:

• Empathy, rooted in deep care, allows you to connect with others' thoughts and emotions, creating a foundation for accountability, motivation, and positive reinforcement.

• While tactics can help navigate hard conversations, genuine empathy ensures that even imperfect communication is received with understanding and trust.

• True empathy isn’t taught—it’s discovered by looking inward to connect with the part of you that deeply cares for others in personalized ways.

• A simple practice of quiet reflection and asking, “Why do I care about this person?” can help uncover and cultivate empathy from within.

• Developing empathy transforms leadership by fostering happier, healthier people, leading to stronger teams, exceptional work, and more profitable businesses.