Stop Being Defensive

Last year, I had a harsh realization about myself. 

Every time I got constructive feedback from a boss, I did two things: 

First, I got defensive. 

I explained the reasons why I wasn’t wrong, why I made my decision, and how there was more context they just didn’t know. 

Second, I beat myself up. 

After my boss walked away, I went into panic mode. I started dreaming up worst-case scenarios, like getting fired or losing credibility. I felt worthless. 

A lot of times, this would go on for a week or longer until I finally did something to make myself feel worthy of happiness and self-respect again. 

It was exhausting and stressful. 

Since then...

I’ve learned taking feedback doesn’t have to be that way. 

In the book Radical Candor by Kim Scott, she explains the best way to be a great boss is to 1) care deeply about your people and 2) challenge them directly. No more being a jerk or beating around the bush! You must give amazing, caring, direct feedback to be a great boss. 

I wanted to be a great boss, so it sounded good to me! But Scott went on to recommend that before you give feedback, you should learn how to take it. Because no one likes a person who can dish it but can’t take it. 

Knowing how bad I was at taking feedback, this was a scary step. But I decided I’d follow her advice, and I started asking my peers and bosses for feedback. It was a roller coaster—sometimes, I could hear it and understand, other times it made me feel sick to my stomach. 

But I stuck with it, and 10 months later, I can confidently say that it is easier for me to hear feedback than ever before. 

But why is it so important? 

Think of it this way: 

If you had marinara sauce on your face after lunch, wouldn’t you want someone to tell you? Otherwise, you’d spend the whole day walking around with sauce on your face until eventually, you looked in a mirror and thought, “Why didn’t anyone tell me about this!?” 

Now imagine that you talk too much in meetings—wouldn’t you want to know? 

Otherwise, your career may be held back because no one believes you can run an effective meeting. You get to your yearly review, and your boss says, “Yeah, we wanted to promote you but you talk too much in meetings, so we gave the job to Sarah!” Ouch. 

Yet, this kind of stuff happens all the time. Why? 

One common reason is your boss is scared to give you hard feedback because of how you might react. 

Let’s go back to me. Think about it: 

Who would want to approach me with hard feedback when they know I’m going to get defensive—maybe even angry—and then go beat myself up for a week? No one, right? That sounds ineffective and miserable! 

In my experience with high-performing teams, this is exactly how most employees take feedback, and their bosses don’t know what to say to them. 

But some employees buck the trend. They stand out from the crowd by taking feedback in stride. And guess what? They are operating at their best and reaching the highest levels of career success. 

Do you need to be perfect? No. 

But do you need to start acting like the best today? Absolutely. 

So, here’s how I’ve seen the best stop being defensive and start taking feedback differently: 

Ask for feedback: Kim Scott was right… the best way to take feedback effectively is to ask for it first. When you start asking more often, you build up a muscle in your heart that starts being okay with receiving it. Eventually, you’ll get to a point where it’s uncomfortable not to receive honest feedback. 

Don’t respond, just listen: Also known as the “don’t be defensive rule.” As a boss, when someone can’t stop defending themselves, it makes you feel like they’re not listening. So, it’s really simple: just stop trying to explain why you did what you did. Then, listen. You just might learn something when you do 😉 

Keep it light: If someone tells you you talk too much in meetings, don’t get depressed—smile and laugh about it! Think of all the ways that’s true and how funny it is that you never realized it. And thank them for the feedback and tell them you will work on it. People will be a lot more open to giving you feedback when they know you will handle it with positivity and lightness. 

Make the problem the enemy: Instead of thinking, “Oh my gosh... I’m a horrible person!"... think, “Oh my gosh, this is a problem.” When you think YOU are the enemy, you have a hard time taking corrective action. When you realize it’s not YOU but a PROBLEM, you separate yourself from it and take a more productive attitude. 

Forgive yourself: The highest performers do this better than anything else. Instead of taking feedback, feeling inferior, and spiraling into sadness, they take feedback, forgive themselves for their shortcomings, and get to work on improving. You can’t start truly improving until you accept that you’re not perfect. It’s just how it is. 

Spark Notes:

Ultimately, you just can’t be a defensive person to reach your full potential: you need good feedback. 

And remember, good feedback brings you closer to achieving your personal and professional goals. It’s also the fastest way to grow. Learn to take feedback like the best: 

1. Ask for it 

2. Don’t respond, just listen 

3. Keep it light 

4. Make the problem the enemy 

5. Forgive yourself 

Learn to receive it gracefully, and you won’t have any trouble building a successful life and career.